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My Story – Part One

cloudy-daySo, I have been putting this off because I haven’t quite been sure where to start, but more than that I don’t want to be vulnerable. To put myself out there. To confess my struggles, and possibly be judged by others. I have been hiding behind a “secret” for 9 years. Only my closest friends and family new my struggle. I hide it very well and people are often very surprised when I open up to them, but God says:

James 5:16 {NASB} “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”

I have felt as of late, that God has been wanting me to open up and share.  To confess my “sin,”  so that I may be healed.  Not only for my healing, but to share in hopes of reaching others who also struggle with the same thing.  So, here goes nothing…9 years ago I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder.  The long and short of it is that I have high anxiety most of the time and have  repeated panic attacks.  We all have anxious times and most have even probably had a panic attack, but this is constant.  I managed it well, for years, with the help of Lexapro.  My anxiety nearly gone and a rare panic attack here or there.  I was thrilled until September 2012 when we informed my OBGYN that we would like to have Baby numero 2.  I was informed that once I missed a period I would need to stop Lexapro.  Take a step back 2 years ago and I was on this drug through my whole pregnancy with our first son.  I was a little confused as to why I would need to stop it now, but felt the Lord say now is a good time to try.  So, instead of going cold turkey I slowly weened myself off over the next 2  months.

Everything went great until around Thanksgiving.  My grandfather passed away on Thanksgiving, we moved the next week, and then Christmas.  It was just a high stress time and all my anxiety/panic returned.  This time with Agoraphobia, which pretty much means the fear of going places.  People often get home bound which wasn’t an option with a toddler.  So, needless to say it has been a crazy ride since then.  I have gotten hooked up with a great counselor and an AMAZING psychiatrist that is a believer, but the road has been rough.  Everything got worse before even slightly got better.  We tried Zoloft, Lexapro, and finally Prozac which seems to be helping, but throughout this I have never been so desperate for God. His Word says:

2 Corinthians 2:9 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

I am learning that this struggle isn’t about me.  It is about Him.  About trusting Him and having faith.  It is about surrendering control and letting Him direct my path.  It is about learning to hear the Holy Spirit as well as the attacks of my enemy.  God wants us to be more than Conquerors and that is what I am going to to…conquer.

I look forward to taking you along this journey and sharing what the Lord is teaching me.  I would love to hear other peoples stories and hope we can bless each other!




6 responses »

  1. Corrine Wiggins

    You are LOVED! Thanks for sharing your heart.
    love, Corrine

  2. Beth Augustine

    So you are expecting again? God only gives us what we can handle. praying that you have renewed strength daily.

  3. Psalm 51 was written for people like us, I think. God Bless!!!

  4. Hope that things are settling down more and more each day! Thinking of you! XO

  5. So proud of you for sharing your story. I have no doubt God will use you and your struggles to bring you and others closer to Him. Hugs!


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